What I am Doing instead of homework

I am 34 years old.  The mother of two wonderful young boys.  I work full time as a Director for a Child Development Center and I am currently in the process of getting my Master's Degree in Early Childhood Education.  I also help out with my older son's cub scout den and will be working on the School carnival again this year.  One might say I take on a little too much- ok a lot too much. But I can't help it.  I feel like I have so much to offer and there are so many people out there and things that need help all the time.  Unfortunately I find all to often that you can be swimming along just fine, and then a giant wave comes and pulls you under without you even realizing it.  It is times like these when I question everything I am doing.  Should I have taken on so much?  Would it be better if I just stayed home with my youngest son and not work?  Should I move home to be closer to family?  What am I thinking- what am I doing?  How am I going to do it all?  I can't let anyone down.  It is not in my nature.  I despise when people let me down.  I can't be that person. 

What is the answer?  I have been playing this game for the last 7 years and I still don't know the answer.  I stayed in a relationship for 5 years because it was "easier" than doing things on my own.  This man did not love me- he wanted nothing to do with me and he made that more than clear.  However, he was good to my kids, and he made it so much easier for me to get to work, and meetings, and appointments and so I stayed in a loveless relationship- for ease.  Looking back I know that I needed to be out of the relationship, but when everything boils to the top I can't help but wish I had the help again. 

I sit here, writing with no real direction, skipping from topic to topic and I just keep thinking that there is so much I have to say.  I want to scream about things that are happening in my life, to take time to reflect on where I want to go from here, to share some of the most touching things that I have experienced.  I am excited to get to write- say what is on my mind.  Maybe it will help me clear my head and learn not to say exactly what comes to my mind in the moment.  However, that is just what I will be doing here- saying what  I think- what I feel.  So if that is offensive to you, then you probably will nto want to follow this blog.  I am going to use this as a safe place to express my thoughts and feelings.  That will not be interesting to most and that is ok.  It is not for you.  It's for me.  For me to think and emote and be done with it.  I have so much to get out of this head.  We will see what transpires.  For now I think I better quit.  More later.